He went about his daily tasks like an automaton.Attending classes,preparing for an exam,running errands for his mother.For him the world had dissolved into a shapeless mass of black and grey.He responded to questions like an answering machine.The simple act of having food became a torture to him,every morsel brought up memories of the lunches that he had shared with her,their absolutely pointless trips to the canteen which were just an excuse to stay in her company.The way he used to eat slowly so that he could join her for lunch when her classes got over,of how he used to adjust his lunch timings so that he would still be having lunch when she was free.Oh god!!hunger brought on a anguish that was both mental and physical..He started avoiding doing chores in the house because invariably they would involve walking through streets in which his monsters lurked ready to spring like memories that would bring stinging tears to his eyes..how much he loved calling her up to ask if she was free to do a bit of shopping.She did not even let him finish the question before saying yes.He knew he could shop on his own,but somehow in her company he added that extra vigour to his step,distances melted when she was with him.One day she had asked him if he wanted to go shopping with her.he had an exam coming up,but he knew he could manage and had readily said yes.The place was quite far away and she had asked if he minded the distance,to which he replied,"For you,the end of the world and the deepest of trenches."And he had meant it in earnest.At that time he was ready to face whatever the world threw at him.He was not a talkative person,but the silent,pensive listeners who preferred to let people do the talking,but he had these sporadic bursts of saying things when he was with her.He never had thought himself to be capable of such eloquence in his language.But somehow she loosened the tight knots that gripped his throat in the company of other girls.He poured out his heart,his deepest wishes to her.Trusted her.Believed in her.Loved her.He stopped going out with his friends.He had several of them,but none close enough to let out his anguish,his pathos.The few he had wondered what was wrong but heavens knows why they never approached him.Some did and then backed off.He started building this shell around him,an impenetrable wall of loneliness and brooding thoughts that ate him from within.His mind split into two-one cried for a solace,the other thrust more daggers into an already dead mind by bringing on memories that he half-heartedly tried to push away.Like a acid tongued devil it spoke words not of solace but brought forth her treachery.He was never close enough to his mother to go to her for counsel.She grew worried about his bouts of silence.She knew that he was a quiet child,had been since childhood.But not like this,not like a man possessed with a burden only he could feel.The vacant eyes seemed to be searching for something that was beyond her comprehension.She asked him what was wrong,but he pushed the matter under the rug,always citing one reason or the other-exams,assignments,bad health.There were times when his mind could break free of the self imposed moratorium and he would become aware of the things around him.The tears would flow then,freely and without inhibition.The eyes dried up but never the wounds.He started avoiding her,stopped talking to her,became brusque when asked a question.Avoided her gaze and took care to not be seen at spots he knew she frequented.He wanted to push her out of existence,to forget her.It was hard in the beginning.Everywhere he saw,he found her-her SMSes in his mobile,her favourite songs on his computer,even the trinkets he had chosen for her but would now never be gifted.All the material things could be ignored,but what of the indelible images that he had etched on his mind,the scent of her perfume,the sight of her early in the morning,the way she moved aside the stray strand of a hair.The flick of her neck when she wanted to move her hair on one side,her laugthter that seemed to mock him now in his dreams and even when he was awake.She was just about everywhere.You don't need to die to see hell,everybody has a private version of it and he was living it,breathing it,every damned minute of his life now.
To be continued......
