Part 2

He was lost in his own thoughts,and happened to look up to a sound of pen repeatedly scratching on paper.The gods must have been smiling down upon Him or he was just plain lucky because there she was sitting on one of the stone benches,her hair cascading down her shoulders and a look of extreme indignation on her face as she balled up a piece of paper and tossed it down to join its fallen comrades.She looked up and saw him standing dead in his tracks.Sense told him to ignore her and move on,but the heart rarely if ever listens to the mind and before he knew it,he had raised his hands and waved to her.To his surprise she waved back and like a man enchanted he found himself walking towards her."Hi,did not recognize you the other day.Aren't you the guy who sits on the last bench?".He cringed within-what a way to know me..last bencher..."Yeah"he managed to say,"Do you want any help with that?Its looks like something that I can crack".He knew the solution the moment he had seen the problem.It was something he had been working on a few days back as a part of an assignment.He cracked it in no time and went on to help her with the rest of the assignment.Time flew for him when he was with her.Her mere presence was enough to transport him onto another plane.He liked it the way she smiled at his jokes,the light touch of her fingers when she wanted to tell him something,when she specifically sought him out in a crowd to tell Him of an incident or share a joke which only they could appreciate.And against all his better judgements he let himself be pulled along in his relationship with her.He sought her company whenever he could and went into a brooding silence when she was not free to spend time with him.She became the centre of his world and his expectations went up a notch when she invited him for her birthday party at her house.Thoughts started running through his head-does she like me?shall I tell her about my feelings?will she say yes?what if she refuses?.With these thoughts in his mind he dressed in his only pair of formals and started from his house.On the way he got her a elegent brooch that he had been saving up for to give her.He saw no other better occassion.With his head held high,a song on his lips and his heart fluttering like a butterfly he walked all the way to her house.The rows of gleaming cars outside her house and the tailored suits alighting from them made him freeze in his tracks and do a rethink on whether he wanted to go inside.Suddenly his departmental store formals made him feel underdressed.He had nearly turned around and walked back when he caught a glimpse of her through the window.How beautiful she looked on that evening dress,with her hair let loose and one hand poised elegantly in midair.Gathering up his courage he walked the gravel path and entered the house.The hall itself would have held two of his houses.He looked for her in the crowd and made his way towards her.Smiling like a kid who has the world's greatest gift in his hands he went up to her,"Many many happy returns of the day,you are looking very beautiful today".For an instant her smile faltered a bit as she took in his appearance,maybe he saw the change in her expression and regretted coming in.But the thought passed through him for a fleeting moment as his senses swam when she thanked him for the gift,as she shook his hand and held for one moment too long.She moved away and He did not notice it as she carelessly allowed it to slip through her hands and fall beneath the table.Maybe it was his fortune that he did not,if that had been the case his world would have shattered around him.Maybe it should have,it would have save him a lot of pain later on.But fate had decided to play its cruel hand and he slipped into a false sense of being loved by her.He tried to catch her eye troughout the evening but somehow she was always engaged in talking to somebody else.The evening was drawing to a close and he slowly made his way towards the door,not having had a single word with her.As he was crossing the portico,he overheard a couple of her friends talking in slightly raised voices that carried easily on the thin night air.What he heard made his legs turn to jelly.He stood rooted to the spot and strained his ears to hear more.The topic changed and he slowly made his way back to his house.He did not seem to remember the walk back,the near missed collissions with the vehicles or when he opened the door,flung himself on the bed and willed himself to sleep.Nightmares plagued his mind as the clock ticked by.The morning brought no respite and light to his dark mind that had suddenly gone blank with shards of pain thrusting into his consciousness.He was oblivious to physical pain,his mental anguish blinding him.He searched for an answer,but came up with memories that he tried to push down in vain.He knew he had taken the fall,had allowed himself to be led when he should have known better.It was summer outside but a cold blistery winter rushed through him now,wounds that bled of their own accord and a irrational wish that he was insensitive to human emotions occupied his thoughts.

The Last Bencher.

He was one of the back-benchers,not because He was not interested in what was going on but rather because He got a bird's eyeview of people from where was sitting.There she was on the first row of chairs,the sunlight catching the beautiful shade of her brown coloured hair..He liked the way the earrings in her ears scintillated in the soft sunlight.His hands invariably picked up the pencil and before He knew it He was sketching an indelible image of her,as much on the paper as on the untouchable canvas of His memory in colours that were known only to His imagination.The professor was going on about torques,tensors,vectors and what not..He could'nt wait for the class to end.He had decided-he would speak to her today,come hell or high water.But somehow every time he made up his mind and his courage,something or the other would happen that shot all his plans even before they took off.Like for example last week,she was standing right in front of him in the line at the canteen.he had just opened his mouth to utter a hello when his mobile rang,some officious upstart from an obscure bank wanted to ask him some inane questions and by the time he had ticked him off,she had made her purchase and moved to join her friends.Her friends..how much He envied the girls and was downright jealous of the guys..especially that two-faced,pretentious fellow who acted holier-than-thou in her presence,but he knew what he was really,what his true image was.How much it pained Him to watch her respond to his comments,his jokes,his "innocent" demeanour.Well it was true that he was rich,had a bike,was good looking and knew how to play people's emotions with his conduct.And that was what made him an adversary,a very dangerous one too...Because whether He liked it or not,he lacked all that,he was neither rich nor was he an Adonis,he could not manipulate people,but he had a good heart,a heart that sang true for people he cared for and would go the extra mile to help them...But the problem was,she did not know anything of this,her world and mind space was occupied by that devil with an angelic face and a mind to mismatch.The bell shattered his reverie and people started tob make a bee-line for the door.He got up hurriedly and stuffed everything pell-mell into his satchel and followed his classmates' example.He caught up with her just as she was reaching the first steps of the building.Thankfully she was alone,but there he was waiting at the gate leaning sauvely on the hood of his car..The monster within His bosom gave a mighty roar of indignation and bared its fangs..He had to move fast,he could not loose a single moment,his heart was racing as he closed the distance between Him and her.He was right behind her now."Excuse me",he said,"you dropped your pen back there".She looked back at him and took and blinked in the sunlight.She vaguely remembered his face but could not place it."Thanks",she said and was gone before he could say anything else. He watched with ever increasing rage as she practically ran to him and got into the car.He must have been lost in those thoughts for quite sometime and was brought out of his red haze by a piercing pain in his palm,and as he looked down he noticed the pencil in his hand which he had strongly enough to snap it into two.Gathering his senses,he moved away and slowly started walking towards the library.There was a Maths olympiad coming up and he wanted to do well in it.He shook his head as he walked to clear his thoughts and decided to get over his feelings for her,it was going nowhere and leading him into bouts of depression.He had enough on his plate already.He threw himself into the preparation and kept his mind occupied with a fierce dedication.It was a few days before the olympiad when it all started happening and looking back now he wished he had never went down that stone path.
To be continued.....

Saw a movie today-Tashan...d MOST pathetic movie dat i have seen come from mainstream bollywood....KK goes back to Chameli from Geet and dat too wid d mentality of a blonde and hair to match too....AK mishmashes english and hindi with english rules of grammar jostling hindi verbs....this combined along wid a cliche bihari accent,all this comes to d situation dat u dont understand one damn dialogue he speaks..dat combined wid his prehistoric on screen image..all in all-he is pathetic..d only glue holding d movie toghther is akshay kumar..he is amazing!! but den he is human...and his charm cant hold on for too long...the movie is stretched like a rubber band and is made to twang to d weirdest of ideas,so u have akshay,a goon from a small town dodging Black Cat commandos armed to d teeth and firing kalashnikov's...he manages to dodge ALL bullets,does free running and bounces on a pile of bamboo sticks to land on d second floor...the songs are terrible,however the locales are good....one last scene is so totally hilarious in d movie..180 minutes of pure torture..but hey,i think i might watch d movie again,cos thrash may it be,but it's amazingly laughable...ppl were actually leaving in d middle...rating- the sulphur pits of hell....

Mol onco exam tomorrow afternoon...hope all goes well....

D day before the day before...

It's two days before my mol onco exam and my tension jus went soaring thru d roof....D problem is dat d exam is turning out to a black box..we dont kno d ref. material...d slides r there and so r the papers but,its a moot point wot to concentrate on cos d papers are more of review articles dan ur normal research articles,and let me tell u, a review might be good for reading on other occassions but for an exam it's d ultimate nightmare especially if it runs into 13 pages of very fine print....my mouth has become a veritable war zone wid d tooth ache and an ulcer jostling for d post of Commanders-in-Chief to cause max pain....thankfully both are diameterically opposite to each other....have kept my eyes glued to d comp screen since morning wid no respite in sight...i wonder if d eyes belong to d comp or my anatomy....nothing much to say bout d day,wot wid me being totally consumed by d exam....on top of this,i have to review d paper,complete my lab report,do d stat assignment...on 22nd i shall be launching a full fledged attack on all these minor kingdoms dat threaten d peace of my mind-space.....
on a more serious note,ever wondered wot brings two ppl together...personalities?circumstances?situations?exactly wot?....some ppl live in d same group for quite sometime and end up alone in d crowd...while in other cases,two perfect strangers meet up on a train and end up travelling d journey of life together.....some diamonds are never found for d lack of ppl who apppreciate dem while some stones adorn d crown out of sheer dumb luck.....Like a hidden diamond,some ppl wait endlessly for dat special someone to discover dem..to polish dem and wear dem on their crowns.....as a friend of mine told me,wen a diamond hurts if u wear it on ur finger, den its place is on d crown dat adorns ur head...

Memory Lane

Took a walk down memory lane today..was reading in d libarary and my mind went idle for sometime..and before i realized anything,i was remininscing bout times gone by...The lane was strewn wid dead leaves,and i walked bending down occassionally to pick dem up..some were light with their care free happy memories..others were heavy with the sadness and pain dat comes with some memories....d joy of learning to ride a cycle,getting my first bike,meeting friends after ages,long chats where minds and hearts were opened to ppl who cud appreciate them,birthdays celebrated,presents gifted and received...the best so far has been the two days i spent in banglore during d IISc interviews...the sheer taste of the excitement is irreplaceable and so is d joy on my mother's face wen she saw d list..dark times,the will to survive thru dem..heartbreaks,decisions gone wrong in retrospect....everything was there for me to see...memories can be really weird...there are few dat can lift my heart up to kiss d heavens,but many dat pull me down into a quagmire...and only wen i need dem d least do they surface thru d mind....there are memories dat bring a smile on my face no matter when they are brought up,then there are others dat i wished i cud forget simply bcos they speak of a better time..wid ppl who were d centre of my world..wid whom i had imagined a bright future....fool i was at dat time wen i made dem my raison d'etre..never did i pause to think,was i d same for dem? time has given me my answer..maybe i deserved it for jumping headlong into things without thinking seriously about future which i shud have...but den,every mistake becomes visible in retrospect and not wen u are commiting it..... and inspite of seeing everything,i make my mistake again..like a moth to d fire drawn...i wish there was somebody to sweep the dead leaves off the lane completely..i wish d leaves wud never fall from d trees and stayed green forever....thunder clouds gather on d horizon,and i start looking around for cover from d deluge to come,wishing i had d will to never step into d lane...

Movies and anger management

Submitted the eviol biol term paper yesterday,however dats not d end of the story..We have to review a paper written by somebody else,cmment on it and return d review by tuesday...we get our reviewed manuscripts and turn in d finished manuscript by friday...before dat i need to complete d drug design assignment and d stats assignment...d lab reprt needs to be completed..jus a few minor things,but still its status is "pending"...this time next week i shall be free,hopefully...saw a movie yesterday-"U me and hum"...nothing great bout the movie,considering its a rip off from The Notebook which i have heard is very good...why cant these ppl think for themselves rather dan borrowing somebody else's idea and repackaging it to suit indian tastes..Grow up ppl!!..anyways d movie has some really cheesy and risque dialogues..u start searching for d exit door or repeatedly start looking into ur watch almost willing d hour hand to take on d disposition of its faster brother....but no...d movie and d hour hand seem to have entered into a wicked pact of trawling at a pace dan makes a snail seem faster...they cud have atleast changed d male lead...he is one of d best actors we have around.but dude,looks matter...his is not d face dat makes ladies go weak in their knees and jelly brained...ahem...all said and done,i seem to have bashed d movie more dan wot it deserved...it's not dat bad...considering it turned out to b Waterworks Inc. for d company dat came wid me..they really have a low thresh-hold...its not dat i am a cold hearted,icy individual,but frankly speaking, d movie did nothing to move me to tears....d few instances dat i have felt an icy hand grab my heart and chilled my marrow have been wen i was reading The Kiterunner..dats one book u MUST read...
somebody said,i dont remember who,dat dont tell ur children not to get angry,teach them how to get angry...quite true...there are so many situations,i am sure many of us have faced,wen d situation compels us to explode in a grand exhibition of rage...impotent rage,i must say.the simple reason being,wot do u achieve by throwing ur tantrum?..if i be allowed to answer,i wud say nothing other dan wasting ur energy yelling...the ppl whom u r yelling at might not even give a damn bout it..they shall listen wid one ear and chuck it by d other and u turn out to be a spectacle for bystanders...forget about ppl who dont care bout d fact dat they have hurt u..they dont even matter..consider d consequences for those who care..wot if ur tantrums and short fuse end up in creating a distance between urself and them...the only thing a short temper or a tendency to not channelise ur rage does is alienate u from others by making dem walk a tight rope wen they deal wid u.....they will care for u but will always b wary of ur anger...its also important,i feel to sieve out the ppl dat shall make u angry wid full knowledge of wot they are doing,jus to see u blow urself and others to smithereens wid ur rage and d ones dat unintentionally step on ur toes...so as i said,its not about not getting angry,its about HOW to get angry....

A few days back i was having a brainstorming session wid one of my friends who happens to be an atheist...d discussion centered on how do i define d concept of god,or rather what was god to me on a personal basis..was it someone who was mythical or someone who existed in flesh and blood..did my god have divine powers or was s/he a mortal whom we cud den call a role model rather dan a god...well,lets make one point very clear over here-why do we need to define god to be someone to have divine powers,as someone who can move mountains and walk on water..cant s/he be someone who is a mortal but has powers to calm u wen ur mind is in a turmoil.by powers i do not mean supernatural powers..the mere ability to be there in some form or another that calms u down...u need not have even seen him/her personally,but jus remebering him/her in ur time of crisis or tension makes u feel better..den he asked dat way u can visualise anybody..true i said,but den i asked him,wen soldiers plunge into a battle,all of dem utter a war cry..now wot they say is very specific and it's something all of dem associate with and dat gives dem d strength to face whoever is on the other side...same is d case wid me,my prayer to my god is something i do to instill dat psychological upswing in me....its quite strange if we consider all d times wen we turn to god..most of dem are times of crisis...but i must make it very clear dat dat god is not going to solve ur problems for u....if u r in trouble it falls on u to get out of it urself...den d question arises-if i kno dat god does not sit around trouble-shooting for me,do i accept d fact dat there is no such entity as god? yes,i said,agreed god is not my problem-solver,bcos i never expected him to...if i started shoving my problems on god,of wot use is my intelligence,my existence as a carbon-based,ape descended bipedal life form dat has been privileged to have a brain dat can think?i said a brain dat u CAN use to think and not u can ORDER to think..d brain is gven to u not d protocol to use.u need to develop it urself..anyways,let not digress from d issue....so,coming backfor me "god"or wotever u wish to call it now,is a safety cabinet into which i throw my innermost thoughts,speculations and feelings...den is god akin to an imaginary friend for me?umm....i conceeded dat point to him...does it make me appear as a weirdo i asked him...not at all,he said..all of us have imaginary friend..its upto us to decide wot kind of attributes we give dem...d discussion stretched well into d night,but let me tell u dat it was one of d best discussions i have ever had wid anyone..and it was made all d more enjoyable thanks to d person on the other side...for one he is a very good speaker and another is his knowledge regarding the formalities needed to b followed during an arguement..anyways, i need to get back to my term paper..need to submit it at ten in d morning...ciao...

Decisions..and some new threads

Made a major decision regarding my career...joined d wet lab..will have to go and tell in d dry lab tomorrow dat i will not b able to join their lab..i wonder wots d toughest part-saying no to d dry lab or taking d decision not to join it..anyways,chapter closed..attended my first lab meet..was a nice experience..d lab mates are good,and are extremely good at ttheir science..dats a opinion dat mat be forming too quickly,but all seemed to be aware of their work from they way dey spoke about it..d major credit goes to d P.I. of course who as he says it himself is a hard task-master..it reflects in d proficiency of his ppl.
anyways...yesterday i was chatting wid one of my friends online wen she pointed out d way SMS english had pervaded into d way we write..'the' becomes 'd','before' becomes 'b4'..and so on and so forth..sad..or is it?..for ppl who SMS regularly,it becomes more of a reflex to use these abbreviations (by d way,why is abbreviation such a long word?)..its quite obvious why...wen you are typing out a msg on ur mobile,u need to b fast and d only means of achieving it is to cut short d "useless" stuff from words.. i mean, ppl and people,both convey d same meaning,but its much easier to write ppl dan people...personal experience..which brings me to this question-can we afford to let these kind of spellings to invade d written word..d idea is conveyed is it not,whether u write u or you,ur or your...for d subject specific jargon u really cant do anything,or rather nothing shud be attempted..also,while using abbrv. do we keep d flow of ideas smooth? will it get hindered if we started using full forms..strangely this phenomenon semms to have pervaded only where u need to TYPE and not WRITE...i hope so...

The toothache is getting worse and there's no chance of it letting up...took a pain killer and dozed off again..missed a meeting with my advisor...dats not a problem,since wot i wanted to meet her about would not have been over in half an hour..so met her after class...discussed which option should i pick.. a dry lab or a wet lab...after a chat wid her and a chance meeting wid another prof,i am more inclined towards a wet lab....that way i dont sacrifice my wet lab skills,i can always enter into a dry lab later on...but d reverse is not possible...however d dry lab proj is jus as interseting...but perhaps i am blinded by its glamourous name...i will need to do a lot of intensive studdying if i go to her lab...dats not a prob really,but den there's d issue of sacrificing experience from a hardcore mol bio lab as against a lab wid a very narrow agenda....anyways...preparing for d mol onco exam and for d term paper...freedom on d 22nd!!
came to a decision yesterday...sort of an epiphany u can say...its amazing d amount of time ppl spend in pursuits without thinking whether it's going to pay dem dividends in d end.jus bcos it makes dem happy,they pursue it..they do kno its not going to meet wid a crushing defeat later,but they never ask themselves-will i b ready to face defeat wen it comes knocking on my doorstep..will i embrace it as a part of life or like an ostrich put my head in d sand..sometimes it's better to take stock of things wen it's still not too late rather dan trying to dam a raging river...den u can either make a herculean effort to dam it or allow urself to be pulled by its flow..either way,u wish u had stopped it wen it was not too late...
the human mind is really a weird contraption..it makes one believe in a false hope,making u feel dat it's not a mirage but really an oasis in a desert..how better it wud be if our minds were evolvd to a degree where we could dissociate our feelings wid our thought processed...not to get biased in our decisions by emotions...

Decisions...

i dont kno how many ppl have had to face this situation in their lives wen circumstances have demanded them to make really tough decisions..academic and otherwise...the decision they make might not seem right to others,but to d ones making it,it seems the only solution to a problem..they kno its going to cost dem a lot in terms wot they hold dear..but den a compromise needs to be made...wots dear to dem might not be as important as wot brings peace of mind to dem..some things need to be foregone in order to retain some....

Monday morning blues and den some more....

well monday is neither exactly d most exactly exciting day of d week nor is it d most productive day...got a head splitting toothache in d middle of d night and fervently wished dat d tooth fairies existed..since they dont,had to make do wid a knock out dose of combiflam...wen d drug induced haze cleared it was already ten and d sun god had whipped his chariot almost half way across d blue banglorean sky...thankfully d taps in d hostel still had running water..at ten in d morn its a major miracle in my hostel..thot of declaring myself a saint...well sainthood or not,d day had to be faced wid a benign expression on my face and max cool in my head considering wot lay ahead...now,two weeks back i was looking for a lab to begin my PhD...met as much success as a one armed man trying to climb outta ditch wid a tooth-pick....and wot happens today?d man climbed out!!! two of d most good labs said yes...now i need to make a decision..both d times i was confused...but i prefer this confusion....got a few other surprises too...no,i aint telling anybody....private u c.......oh!come on now!!! this is not a confessional......today's day ended a two week saga of suspense...in some way atleast...anyways,now i can concentrate on my academics..had a long chat wid a friend yesterday regarding our take on a particuler issue...well wot she said was rite,but den....oh well....why do women have to say d rite d thing????not always of course....

HOWDY PPL!!

well it's my first day on d job and Aloha to everybody who's anybody on d cyberplane..most of d time u shall find my reflections on d day and wot new i have learned....