Part 4: Between friends...

The newcomers settled into a predictable routine,an orbit that took them from their rooms to the classrooms,to the library and then back into their rooms with occasssional forays into the canteen for piping hot cups of coffee and campus gossip.Graduates-in-the-making or anything else,campus gossip and the accompanying bottomless cups of coffee are a integral part of the student's life.Adi too,was no exception to the routine,albiet with a difference to break the monotony-Nilima's company.Her company was like a breath of fresh air to his otherwise unsocial existence in the institute.Every morning he got up with a smile on his face.The prospect of facing a day loaded with lectures followed by getting cooped up in the library did not faze him,Nilima never made him feel bored.The lectures were often punctuated by her comments regarding anything that moved-the lecturer,the students;she left nobody.She liked to pick up the idiosyncrasies of those around her and make a scathing comment on it which,Adi was sure,if that person heard it would make them wish they were dead.However so true was her observation and so sarcastic her comment,Adi had to do everything to control his laughter.The girl was pure magic.He always wondered what was so charming about her;was it poise,her way of speaking,the way she carried herself in the crowd?What exactly it was he never found out.She attracted him like no other girl ever had,yet she never did anything to grab his attention.Perhaps unknowing to Adi,that was what was so charming about Nilima-the fact that she never pulled on any feminine strings to attract him,but rather let him follow her of his own accord.Late night library sessions often terminated in a long walk across campus in the cool night air,listening to the crickets singing their night songs or some lone owl hooting somewhere far away in the distance.During these walks,topics changed track rapidly-school,friends,campus gossip,everything under the sun.Slowly without realising,they loosened up the knots on their personal lives and told each other things that you would tell only a trusted person.Past crushes,heartbreaks,ambitions,failures everything.Adi always felt a surge of jealousy when she mentioned her past crushes,always wondering if she still felt the same about it.But of course he dared to not ask her directly,fearing he would reveal himself to her sharp mind which never seemed to miss anything.Both of them had a unique way of telling anecdotes.Adi's sole aim being to get her to laugh her head off.Her unadulterated laughter brought a smile to his lips.The way she threw her head back when she laughed,the twinkle in her eyes and the dimple on one side of her cheek!All his worries seemed to evaporate in front of her laughter.They came to understand each other perfectly.Adi somehow felt Nilima understood him more than he understood her.She had a uncanny sense for things that he liked and things that could make him blow his lid off.And because she knew this,sometimes to pull his leg she would make a passing mention of a past crush just to see him fret and fume silently.She knew he would never make an open mention of his bad mood but would sulk all day long,answer her questions with monosyllabic answers and pay no heed to her comments.At the same time she knew how to pacify him.He was like butter in her hands.She adored him for all his eccentricities,for his ability to laugh at himself and his fierce devotion to her.He never made it known to her openly how much he liked her,but she knew how much Adi was attached to her,how much he enjoyed her company.Both of them had toyed with the idea of putting all the cards on the table-Adi with telling her and Nilima with popping the question outright.It never seemed to happen.Somehow or the other both found an excuse to not do it,the worry that it may jeopardise a budding friendship was always on the back of their minds.Looking back,Nilima would regret not doing it,regret not being frank and outspoken about it.Somehow she never seemed to realize that their friendship was too strong,strong enough to withstand the answer to the question that was buzzing in their heads.Perhaps both of them cared so much about the other that they did not want to loose the person,maybe that fear held both of them back.
It was a very boring lecture,even Nilima was too bored to make any witty remarks on her favourite targets and was taking advantge of the cool classroom and the relative quiet by catching a quick nap.Even Adi got bored of taking notes and was gazing into nothingness.His gaze swept once around the class and he espied the fellow on the first chair dozing off.He made a move to tell Nilima about it,both never missed a chance to have a good laugh at his expense.He stopped short when he saw her sleeping.She was looking so beautiful.Her face a canvas of serenity and pure innocence.How much he adored her.She was the centre around which his universe was revolving.No other girl had understood him so well.He admired her for ability to melt his usually frigid demeanour,to make him bend to her will,not by force but as if he himself wanted to.He wondered how she managed it.She knew how to bully him without actually bullying him,how to make him jealous,how to make him smile again.She knew him like the back of her hand.And for that he loved her.A lock of her hair was dangling carelessly and Adi had a mad urge to tuck it behind her ear,the way she did it quite frequently.Somehow,for some inexplicable reason he found that gesture very attractive.He wondered what she was dreaming about.Is it me,he thought.He was lost in his reverie and was startled as the class erupted into peals of laughter on a rare joke cracked by the lecturer.Nilima got up with a start and Adi looked away hastily.But,Nilima sharp as she was did not miss it.
She smiled inwardly to herself.Adi,she thought,you are so predicable.But he was not like the other guys.There was a rare sense of decency in him that most people mistook for aloofness and nonchalance .But she knew that he was neither.He was like a nut-a hard exterior that hid a soft heart.A pillar of ice that she had melted without realising it.He did not have too many close friends on campus although almost everyone knew him.She had a sense of possesiveness about him,because she knew that she knew him all too well and was the only person who did.She also knew that Adi would not care for any other girl as much as he cared for her.She had a slight suspicion that Adi thought of her as somebody beyond a friend,but she was waiting for him to make the first move.She pretended to go back to sleep but kept her eyes opened a bit,gazing absently at him as he scribbled in his notebook.She knew that he was least bit interested in the proceedings of the class but was thinking about her.How right she was!Because Adi was doing precisely doing that.His hands were scribbling away pure nonsense in his notebook as his mind relived the past few minutes.
Life would have gone on like this for some time,both would have plucked up enough courage one day to speak out their minds and found out that the other person was thinking nothing different.Adi would have gone down on one knee to propose to Nilima.Two hearts and minds would have met for a lifetime,met to never separate again.Everything would have been like a fairytale had it not been for the intrusion of Mac in their lives.Mac,who like a wedge drove them apart.It was not that Mac was the devil incarnate but Adi never saw him in any other light.From the day they met to the day he saw his back he came to loathe Mac.They never managed to see eye to eye about anything.Neither knew who drew first blood,but then it hardly mattered when both the fighters were determined to bleed each other to death,thankfully proverbially and not literally.They had locked their swords in a battle that would last for the better part of six years and whose reverberations would ring for the remainders of two lives.The joust was for a unspoken prize-Nilima.All three of them would remember that fateful day of their lives as if it were yesterday, when three lives had become intertwined.Two of them struggling madly against each other to break apart,hurting each other and themselves in the process.The three would never forget that stormy day,as if the gathering dark clouds were a harbringer of the storm that was to break open in full tempest in their lives.......

Part 3:Between friends

The words were looking like alien symbols and the figures like some child's angry slashes across paper as Adi plodded through the research article.It was 5 in the afternoon and his senses were crying for a breath of fresh air and a piping hot cup of coffee.He closed the journal and returned it to its rack.He had enough for the day.He was here for a doctorate and had no plans to finish it in one day by gobbling all the literature on his project in one afternoon.Picking up his satchel he trooped down to the canteen.Ordering a coffee and a sandwich he sat down in the shade of a towering gulmohar tree.The coffee kick-started his beaten senses.He was planning to rush headlong into the literature marathon and was just about to get up when he spotted Nilima walking in to the canteen and despite himself he waved her over.
"Hey,how are you?",he asked
"Dead and drowned in a ceaseless barrage of literature.Why do people write so much about the tiniest of details?And why in the name of god do we have to read all of it?It's so boring!I have had it!Done for the day.If I read one more paper I will be fit for The Lunatics Club.How about you?"
"Same here.Join the club...."
Both of them grinned.
"Coffee?",he asked
"Yes,what about you?I see you already have had your cup."
"The more the better...Wait I shall get them.."
The coffee flowed and so did the conversation.Light and jumping from one topic to another.Movies,books,idiosyncratic people,anecdotes from their school and college days.He felt comfortable in her presence.She had a personality unlike any girl he had ever met.There was something that captivated him,something that made him light headed and he felt his tiredness evaporating even as she laughed over his silliness.The sun set over the horizon and a cool gentle breeze was flowing.Conversation had trickled off.Nilima glanced at her watch and gave a yelp of surprise startling Adi,
"What happened?",he asked
"We have been here for the past two hours!!That's what has happened."
"Two hours have passed?Didn't realise it.Felt like got here two minutes ago.how time flows.
She looked at him quizically.
"Let's get going.",she said and got up.
Following her example Adi got up as well and both of hem started heading for their respective dorms.The campus looked beautiful in the twilight.A millions shades of green,red and orange coloured the campus.Adi had a mad urge to clasp her hands in his and wished the evening would go on like this forever.Yeah right,he said to himself,dream on idiot;look at her,and then look at yourself.The atmosphere was having its magical effect on Nilima as well.How perfect would it be to walk on this road hand in hand with someone..The perfect evening,Not a soul to disturb your walk..Does this guy have any streak of romanticism in him or is he going to walk like this silently lost in his own thoughts?If only he could say something romantic,a quote,an anecdote,anything.So lost was she in these thoughts that she failed to see the small depression in the road and stumbled and would have taken a nice bruising had it not been for a pair of hands that had held held at her forearm and her waist.She looked up to look into the Adi's coal black eyes and saw for an instant a window open into his mind.His thoughts becoming crystal clear.The eyes took on a life of their own and seemed to look straight through her and look at something only they could perceive.Something that was not physical but existed only in her thoughts.It was as if two streams of thought had violently clashed against each other and had become one smoothly flowing stream.Without saying anything to each other,in a moment when their eyes had met,everything seemed to have been said.Everything that had been on their minds ever they had stood in the queue admiring each other in their private secure mindspaces.
"Be careful".Adi said even as he helped her pick up her books.The spell was broken and both had landed on terra firma.Both thinking that their minds had taken on a flight of fancy,imagining things when there was nothing.Telling themselves that romantic the evening maybe it was no film going on and they were no heroes and heroines to fall into love and break into a song and dance sequence.This was life and here you did not run around trees singing silly songs and had a "feel good" feeling as the credits rolled.
"Sorry about that,didn't see that,"she replied.
Both of them walked the rest of the way in akward silence.Their minds in turmoil.Was what they perceived real or was it just a figment of their wishful thinking?
Mids still in turmoil they said their good night to each other and went their separate ways to their dorms still immersed in their speculations,wishful thinking and pessimistic opinions.

Part 2:Between Friends...

With the paper marathon over,the new arrivals of the batch of '98 stepped out into the evening.The sun which had been blazing over their heads when they started their paper race was setting over the horizon shooting a million shades of red and orange over the sky which no human or machine could dream of replicating.The sun was setting over the world but a hundred odd suns were rising over the dark and as yet unexplored landscapes of the futures of a hundred bright young minds.Some would rise rapidly and blaze for a short lifetime before dying out,illuminating their landscape and providing inspiration for some and a source of jealousy for others.Some would rise slowly and steadily,surpassing their contemporaries and continue to blaze for years to come.Their names would go down in history either in golden worlds or in infamy..For the unfortunate few,the landscapes of their futures would remain as bleak as ever.However,none of them knew anything of this.The only thing they could comprehend as that they were tired and wanted to rest their sore feet before rushing headlong into academia..They had made it and nothing else really mattered now.They wanted to rest first and then take on their first day as students of one of the most erudite places to be.But weary feet did not dissuade them from socializing with the rest of their ilk..Introductions were made and information was exchanged.People discovered they had been in the same university and never were aware of the others existence.Finding a common ground they flocked together.Anecdotes were told with much fervour and laughter that followed made one doubt their fatigue.With formal nods of heads and casual back-slaps,the new arrivals made their way to their respective dorms.Adi was lost in his thoughts.She still hadn't messaged.This was the limits of how forgetful somebody could get.And then he was expected to understand.However if he forgot,she would make sure he payed through his nose for it.He lugged his baggage and made his way towards the dorm,praying that his room was on the second floor and in the corner,away from the madness and mayhem that ran through the ground floor.The building was made in the time when good quality and architectural grandeur were taken as the highest priorities.He found his room;it was on the second floor but not exactly in the corner.Oh well,he thought,you can't expect everything to work according to your wishes.Unlocking the room he stepped inside and his face split into a wide grin-his own room!One whole room to himself!A bed,a real bed..Tired though he was,he immediately set about setting up his room.His belongings were meagre.His entire world had fit into two travelling bags.Photos of gods and his parents found their place of honour.After two hours of sweaty effort punctauted by regular intervals of grining to himself and turning up the volume on his radio,his very prized possession,finally the room was made habitable.The accumalated dust and cobwebs were relegated into the plastic dustbin and being in a extremely joyous mood he scribbled R.I.P on the dustbin-Rest In Plastic.Room all spick and span he stood back to admire and then stepped out to get a cup of much needed tea.Nilima by that time had found her dorm after much asking around.It was a bit off the beaten track but very beatiful with a lawn and a nice terrace.Her thoughts kept turning back to Adi and the lost look on his face.I wonder what he was pondering over,she thought to herself.Does he have a girlfriend?Was he missing her?Was he thinking about her?As these thoughts raced about in her head she felt a surge of jealousy that rose in her heart.Surprised with herself,she shook her head and walked on.What's wrong with me?she said to herself.I dont even know this guy and here I am cooking all sorts of fantasies about him.But what if he really have a girlfriend?He looked that sort of guy who would have a girlfriend but not parade the fact.That's it!!she told herself and shut out all further thoughts of him and his imagined love life.The room was according to her expectations.A bit small but warm and cosy once decorated in her unique style.Wiping the sweat off her brow she untied the bandana and flopped down on the soft blanket her mother had sewn specially for her.She closed her eyes and was about to doze off when her gastronomic alrams went off,reminding her that she hardly had anything since afternoon.Picking herself up she decided to make a beeline for the canteen to satiate her hunger.Throwing a grey sweatshirt to keep off the cold she stepped out into the chilly evening .Mac meanwhile was strolling up the stone path to his dorm.He was not especially worried about setting up his rooms.His father had sent servants to do it for him.His father's philosophy being-don't do donkey work.We have people for it.Bidding an adieu to his batchmates he entered into his room to find his furnished according to his wishes.Having nothing to do,he kicked off his shoes and lay down onthebed to catch up on his sleep before he hit town to explore the place.
The college canteen seemed to be bursting with people as every freshman made his or her way to it to silence the stomach rumblings.Adi stood in the queue as it edged forward towards the counter.
"One tea and a packet of biscuits please",he said to the manager.
"Eighteen rupees"came back a rapid but not impolite reply.
Adi fished about in his trouser pokets for two tenners and as bad luck would have it came up with a single hundred rupee note.
"No change,sir."said the manager.
Adi turned back to find someone who could give him change for a hundred bucks.Fortunately the chap behind him obliged and Adi made off with his cup of elixir and biscuits.As he was crossing over to where the chairs were kept,his eyes fell on a girl wearing a grey sweatshirt.She firtively looked away.
Funny,he said to himself,why do I think I seen her somewhere before.Good looking,not a striking beauty but definetly beautiful enough to warrant a second glance.He smiled inwardly to himself and walked to a table that had chairs around it.
Did he see me staring at him?Nilima was thinking as she fidgeted in her purse for loose cash and at the same time followed his progress towards the tables.Taking her sandwich and the cold drink cast a roving eye over the tables to find a vacant one.A miracle considering the number of students that had flooded the place.
Adi sitting at his table right at the back of the canteen saw her searhing for a table and a sense of deja vu assail him as he racked hi memories to associate the face to a place.And then it struck him-Of course!She was the girl standing in the queue during the registeration.It was definetely her.He remembered glancing back more than once or twice to look at her.She had that commanding look about her.Not haughty but definitely not the sort of girl whose temper you mess around with and hope to get out unscathed.Now that he could see her more clearly,he decided that she definetely was worth more than a second glance.I wonder if she has somebody special.I hope she doesn't,he thought.The next moment he arrested his thoughts,surprissed by what he had just said to himself.Gathering his wits about him,he proceeded to consume the tea.
"Excuse me",a soft voice with a odd lilt to it made him snap his head up.
The girl in the grey sweatshirt was standing right next to him.
"Do you mind if I join you?Everywhere else is full",which was true.
"Yeah sure",he replied and pulled out the chair beside him.
"Thanks.."
"Welcome",he said and smiled.Were the Gods in a good mood today?
"By the way my name's Nilima.I am in the PhD programme.What about you?"
Adi could not belive it.She was in the same programme as he was!
"Aditya.Same programme.That makes us batchmates I guess."
"Yup."
She extended her and he shook it,surprised at the warmth in the hands and the her firm grip.He would forever remember that moment when he became her friend.He would remember it because it would bring back fond memories of her,and tears that flow when you remininsce about someine whom you loved with all your heart.Of the time when both were eager to know each other and not run away from each other.In moments of despair he would even regret meeting her but then admonish himself by saying that he had wronged too.She would remember that evening for that evening had brought Adi into her life.Both had,without the other person's knowledge,hoped to run into each other.Which had happened.Fatigue evaporated as both of them basked in the newly forged bond of friendship.

Between friends...

The were not what exactly what you could call as friends.Circumstance rather than choice had brought them together.All were in the same department.Providence had willed them to stand one after the other in the line for registering their names in the doctoral programme.Nilima was fidgetting with the strap of her bag.She was really bored and bugged.The guy in front of her looked to be equally bored but was lost in a world of his own.Nice decent guy she thought,wonder what he is here for..It was a look she would see often for the next 5 years and bring poignant memories of a misunderstood friend for the rest of her life.Aditya unaware of the female adulation being bestowed upon him was leaning unconcerned on the pillar.The cool marble was a respite from the blistering heat.He checked his inbox for the upteenth time.She still had not messaged.How could she forget?It was his birthday,and she never forgot that.He decided to put up a little show of being offended when she would call.The line was moving like treacle.He was desparate to crash in the hostel bed.It was exactly like the one in his home,if you would call it a home.A two room,four walled construction of bricks and mortar shared with two more siblings hardly qualified as a home.He was happy he had gotten out.A room to himself??!!Two months back he would have scoffed at the idea.But one year of burning the night oil had brought him into the hallowed portals of the high seat of education.And god was he determined to fight it out if it provided the ticket out into the wide world.All these thoughts trooped through his mind even as his admirer was being admired by a boy born with the proverbial silver spoon in his mouth.Makrand,son of a wealthy businessman and fortunately or otherwise,the only heir to the unearned and as opined by some,undeserved wealth.He had always craved for the attention from his parents but had received expensive gifts in return.Silver and expensive gizmos could hardly replace the gentle caress of a mother or the back slapping adulation of a father.He had turned for affection to his friends and had turned into something of a limelight seeker with his mannerisms.Girls flocked to him,as much for his looks as for his money.Each with a dream of sharing the spoils of a corporate war.He knew how to manipulate them like puppets on a string.Changing his interests according to the girl that had taken his fancy.He basked in the reflected glory of his wealth.Money and the shadow of a father well known in the circles where it mattered had habituated him into getting whatever he wanted.Anything.Nice girl,he thought,wonder if she is my programme.He gave a passing glance to Aditya who was leaning unconcerned on the pillar-Hope he is not there in my course if this girl is,he thought even as he assesssed a future rival.The three unanware of each other were lost in their own worlds,briefly making contact with the real worlds as the line made its labourious way on.Intellectually more disparate individuals could not have come together.Adi was a fighter-not born brilliant,but a hard worker who had sporadic bursts of enlightenment.He was persistent and would not leave a problem unsolved.He had had to fight against students from the best colleges to get to this place,and given the lackadiasical attitude of his college regarding motivating its students for higher studies,it had been a uphill climb throughout.Right from giving the exam to facing the firing squad of a panel.The panelists were impressed with his knowledge,the good opinion further compunded by the tier II college he came from.Nilima was not exactly born brilliant too,but had sharpened her intellect as she grew up in the shadow of parents in the doctoral profession.She had been selected for each and every possible exam when she was in school and had continued the winning streak in her college too.However,thanks to her commitment towards cracking every competitive exam that came her way,her college marks ahd taken a mild beating.But that was more than covered for by her thick stack of certificates she had received for excelling at the national level competetive exams.She had a razor sharp wit and was thoroughly unconcerned about studies.Her hands were itching to go at the work bench.Her conquests in academics ran parallel to her achievements in the arts.She did not have a face to launch a thousand ships but was never went unnoticed in a crowd,always winning second glances.In a nutshell-the intelligent male's quinessential dream girl.And she knew it.Some people are fighters,others hone their skills,while a privileged few are born intelligent.Makrand did not move in the rarified air of the third class.But he managed to get good marks.He had a prodigious capacity to recall.A combination of money,looks and a good academic record made him a target for the adulation of the girls and outright jealousy of the boys.Thus they stood.Each blissfully unaware of the other's thoughts.Hardly were they aware that they had embarked on the roller coaster ride of their lives.A journey that would test their integrity as humans,mould some unbreakable and false impressions and finally make one person realise that all is fair in love and war,especially when you are on the victorious side...
To be continued..

Part 5 The redemption

He steadied himself against the tree and loosened his tie a bit.He needed a drink.A strong one at that.Downing a Bloody Mary he searched for his wife.She was thankfully still in conference with her friends and seemed too preoccupied to notive the arrival of his nemesis like a blast from the past.He kept his fingers crossed.He did not want the two women to meet.Of course She would never recognise her,but what if a casual comment by one of her friends told her that she was here?He knew She would not fly off the handle and have a showdown but he just did not want Her to see the face that had tormented him for so long,a face that he had so lovingly sketched sitting on the last bench,but now it all seemed a mockery to him.He could not leave the party either because it would not look good to leave so early.Inspite of his promotion to the upper echelons he still had to climb the ladder there.He was not a veteran to come to parties late and leave early.Caught between the "devil" and the deep sea he decided to stay on but avoid her at all costs.Not knowing how she would react when she saw him,he made serious efforts to make himself inconspicious.He did not keep himself in one place for too long,constantly moving around in a orbit that afforded him a clear view of her but at the same time kept him well hidden from her range of vision.His mind was a maelstorm of thoughts and rage.Should he confront her?What would she say after seeing him after so long.He had left abruptly,not giving her the courtsey of a good bye,he had not recieved her calls,he knew she was not calling because she missed him because she wanted to confirm that he had really gone away.Her emails went unanswered.How fake were those words.She had actually taken him for a fool.He had seen through her machinations.The sorrow had been replaced by rage and then by hatred.However he managed to notice that she was unaccompanied. A brief commotion stole his attention.A guest in an inebriated state was being lead away by the waiters into the house.When he turned back he had lost her in the crowd.Cursing himself he looked around but could not see her.He looked at his watch and decided it would be approprite to leave and went in search for the host to thank him for the invitation and complete the societal formalities of commenting on the beauty of the house.He was looking around for him when he heard his name being called out.Turning around he saw his guest waving to him.What he saw next nearly took his breath away.How could they know each other?Was it all a bad dream?Why now?They were walking towards him.There was no esaping now.He stood rooted to the spot.His guest was introducing her to him,but all he heard was a cacophany of sounds...Images flashed in front of his mind's eye..Like a film reel run amock images and voices from a buried past started screaming in his head..Regaining his mental composure he snapped back into the present.The host had left them,she was looking at him.Like a frightened animal who had been dreading this day.
“Hi,how are you?” she asked tentatively
“What do you think?”
“Look I am really sorry…I did not realise what I was doing.I was young and foolish…Please forgive me..I cant justify what I did was right…But I can ask to be forgiven by you..Tweny years I have spent repenting for my actions..Nightmares plague me..People I thought to be my friends left like rats leaving a sinking ship.The man for whom I threw you into the ring cheated on me..That’s when I realised how it feels to be cheated..To have your trust trampled upon….”
He stopped her in mid sentence,”You think I will forgive what you did just because you went through the same experience?You deserved it.Things have a way of coming back..You think I will forget twenty years of being roasted in my pain and say,it’s alright?You haven’t repented.Not at all…Trust trampled upon?What do you know of trust?It sounds like a slur from your mouth..Don’t you dare talk to me about love either…I was a fool to have trusted my love into your hands..You broke it like a infant breaks a toy..Carelessly and without any remorse whatsoever..How could you be so cold hearted?So inhuman?All your friends knew about it..And yet you carried on..I was treated like an animal whom you made jump through the hoops to your whims and fancies…You….”
He was loosing it…Taking a deep breath he composed himself and went on,”That night after your birthday,I heard your friends talking about it..Did you even open to see what the birthday present was?How could you since it was lying in the dustbin?They way you played me after day..Acting innocent as a lamb..But this time I was prepared for it..Earlier when you refused to come to movies and shopping with me,you gave me an excuse that seemed so genuine..Later I realised your excuses were just that-excuses so that you could cheat on me..You were my first true love..Unfortunately it was one sided..I lost trust in people after that..My friends could not understand me..I don’t blame them..The state I slipped into,I was paranoid about everybody..Had I not met my wife,god knows what I would have done…I pity you..Pity the state you are in…Thrown out by me and by the man for whom you destroyed me..Tell me how does it feel?Live through it now..And do me a favour-get out of my life..Forever…Leave me alone…”
He turned his back and walked away.He did not glance back even once..Did not see her collapse on the grass,racked by sobs...He searched for his wife and found her saying her good byes.They left..The night was cool..He wound down the windows..A bleakness had started to spread through his mind.It felt as if the monsters within him had just been reawakened..Recalled from the pits where he had thrown them..He clutched his wife’s hand as he tried to push them back..
“Are you alright?” his wife was asking him
“Yes,sure…Just a mild headache..”
He clutched the steering tightly..A cold rivulet of sweat ran down his forehead..Fearing his wife might ask too many questions he let off the grip from the steering..His wife’s next question threw him off balance..
“Who was that woman whom you were talking to?Quite good looking I must say.”
“Somebody whom I met long time back..Recognised me after a long time.I had totally forgotten her..Funny what time and distance can do to you.” ,he replied nonchalantly.
The road was winding..Both that ran under the car and in his mind..One would come to an end soon..The other was endless as always...

THE END

Part 4

"Dad,have you seen my mobile anywhere?I can't find it."

He neatly folded the newspaper that he was reading and was just about to get up when he saw his daughter waving the "lost" possession gleefully.
"I think your son has a girlfriend...Checked out his inbox."
"Richa,have some sense of privacy!!" He said as his daughter turned around on her way out.Her eyes had that same devilish twinkle in them as her mother's.The same twinkle that had been his sole sustenance as he had battled against the monsters in his brain as they threatened to extinguish his very sanity.It was almost twenty years now.Twenty years of a mental anguish,retrospection and a desparate crawl to free himself from the bonds that she had chained him by.His memories a prison that he tried to break from. Two decades of a constant struggle to push down the memories that were triggered by the slightest of hints.A casual laughter of a girl on the bus back home,the flick of a head,a stray strand of hair being tucked behind one ear threw open a flood gate of memories that he initially found hard to suppress.He was thankful to his wife,for being found by Her when he was tottering on the edge of a black bottomless abyss.How much easier it had seemed then to just let go,to just give up and fall into oblivion.It was She who had pulled him back.Slowly.Gently.Building up his trust,giving him his space and his time.After the self imposed moratorium he had slowly started coming back to a world that seemed to have passed him by after giving a cursory glance to his state and regarding him as a curiosity,a juicy subject for gossip.But as happens to most of such topics,he had been replaced as the star attraction by somebody else.He remembered meeting Her.It was a December evening.A few days before that year ended.People were celebrating,happy voices filled with warmth carried on the frigid air.But none seemed to bring any warmth to his soul as he got on the last bus that took nim home.He cared not for the cold outside.The constant blistery winter within raged,fuelled by a voice that never seemed to keep quiet.In this same state he climbed in to the bus and searched for a seat.Being the last bus out it was full except for an empty seat beside a girl who was gently nodding off.He hesitated.Did he want to sit there?She looked vaguely familiar.The last thing he wanted was someone from his circle recognising him and restarting a fresh onslaught of gossip.But then it could just be his imagination.Shrugging his shoulders to shake off the cold as much as the thoughts he went and sat beside her.She moved a bit to make some space for him.Muttering a thanks he took off the bag and stretched his legs and prepared himself for the two hour ride home.The bleak landscape passed by in the window frames of the bus.Single storied houses gave way to apartment complexes as they entered the city proper.An occassional car was replaced by drivers honking their way through holiday mood traffic as if antideluvian monsters were chasing them.The cacophony of sounds and smells compelled him to ask the girl to shut the window."Sure,actually I was thinking of the same thing but thought you would mind my doing so."He was in no mood for small talk so he just gave a courteous smile and looked away.Being a holiday,traffic was moving like treacle with traffic jams being the order of the day.The girl after gazing out for some time took out that days's newspaper and turned towards the puzzle section.He stole a glance once in a while at her efforts to fill in the spaces in the Sudoku puzzle.He wished he had gotten his paper along as well.Nothing like a mind game to pass the time.The girl seemed to be mulling over a square and started chewing the end of her pencil.
"5",He blurted out and the flood gates opened...the stone path...the bench..she was sitting on it...an assignment that had to be solved.He looked away.
"Are you alright?You looked startled."
"Nothing,I am fine thank you."
The rest of the trip he kept to himself,staring straight ahead aware of the sideway glances of the girl.He got off at his stop.
Work kept piling up over the next few days and he could barely make it to the last overpacked sardine can of a bus.Strangely he always found one seat beside the girl to be vacant.Conversation was to the minimum and as demanded by courtesy.But as they say,a stone in the river wears down slowly with time and so did his reluctance.
The work load that day was very less,still he waited to board the last bus home.He saw her sitting on the usual seat and sat down himself.
"You dont look very tired today."she said.
"Not much work today.Most of it was finished by afternoon.."he said and bit his tongue as he realised his mistake.
"Then you should have taken the afternooon bus,that would have saved you a lot of trouble."
"But you dont go by that bus,do you?"
He had given himself away.Revealed himself.She just looked at him and looked away.The rest of the journey was spent in silence,an oddly comfortable silence that conveyed more than words as if both had said what had been on their minds for a quite sometime.However the next day he was in for a surprise as he found neither her nor a empty seat.He did not see her for the next week or so.He smiled sadly to himself.She was a good girl.Would have made a nice friend.He really needed one.Most of his earlier friends had either left him or time and distance had worn down contacts.He got used to going alone,sometimes standing up or sitting down if he got a place.Always keeping a place beside him if she came.But she never did.
Three weeks passed thus.Twenty years on he could still remember that lazy February afternoon as if it was yesterday.He was sitting in his office,hands behind his head,gazing up at the ceiling thinking about her .Someone knocked on the door.
"Come in."he said
"Hi."
He nearly dropped out of his chair.His heart did a drumroll and his mouth went dry.She was standing there true as the sun.
"Howadiedef."misformed words out of his mouth and his senses tried to get a grip on things.
"Sorry,did not get that."How did you find this place?"he asked composing himself.
"You might not remenber but you told me your company's name long time back."
"Please come in.Have a seat."
"Could we go out for a cup of coffee?"
He picked up his bag and they went to the nearby cafe.
He waited for her to start.Somehow he still could not fathom as to why she had stopped coming by that bus and then directlly landed in his office three weeks later.He was apprehensive of what she wanted to say.
"Didn't see you for a long time."he said
"Yes.I need to tell you something.Do you promise to give a frank answer to a question?"
His heart leapt in his mouth.He had been thinking about this,toying with this idea.But then experience had made him a wiser man and he kept these thoughts light and just as a distraction,never serious.
"Go on."he said
"The first time I saw you,I somehow felt this heavy pall of gloom hanging over you.A great sadness that reflected in your eyes,in your actions.It was as if you were almost afraid to meet people and make friends.I wondered what was the problem.But as we started talking it felt like you were holding back on something.I knew we were not exactly good friends but just two people who had met by chance on a journey.But somehow while talking with you,having you around made me happy.Sort of a relaxation after a hectic day at work.After some time I started looking forward to the bus ride."
He just sat there,absorbing everything.Could it be true?Was she......He wanted to believe it,almost did,but his past experience surfaced,as painful as ever.No,he told himself,he would not.She was going on,telling him about her past.He was surprised to find that they had gone through an almost similar experience...He felt sympathy for her,but he held back all other feelings..It was surprising that she had such an optimistic attitude unlike him...
"I have to say something to you..."she said
He caught his breath..His heart was thumping in his ears..
"I love you,"she said
He exhaled..There it was,out in the open..no one had said that to him before..he could not believe it..had he heard it right?He looked away...
"You are a nice girl,but I have had my share of dissapointments.At present I am in no state to commit.It's not that I didn't miss you,I did..But I dont want to bite the dust again...Give me sometime...."
Tears sprang up in her eyes,"Does that mean...?"
"No,no...it's not that..please try to understand...Why are you leaving..please.."
She walked away,head bowed.He paid the bill and left.
She had walked away but not from his thoughts...He had hoped for this,the ball was in his court..Did he dare commit himself?He mulled over it...Was he ready for a relationship?
The next day he left the office and started walking towards the bus stop..Thoughts swirling through his head..A tug of war that was going to a side...The bus had started to move..He was running now..He knew what he wanted...Knew the moment he had started talking to her..how could he hace been so blind?So foolish?He caught up with the bus and ran up to the window where he knew she would be sitting..There she was..looking straight ahead..He banged on the side to get her attention..She looked down..Surprise registered on her face...She was smiling...
"I love you too,"he was almost shouting now to get his voice above the engine...
"What?I cant hear you!"
He signalled the driver to stop....She got off the bus and came to him...
"I am sorry,"he said "Foolish to have not seen something staring me in my face..I love you too."
She threw her arms around him...The embrace seemed to last for an eternity..Traffic came to a standstill...Claps erupted from everywhere..She let go of him...Her eyes were filled with tears..He wiped them..Hand in hand they walked away...Like ship wrecked sailors finding a shore they had found each other...Never to let go....
After a whirlwind romance they had tied the knot...
"What are you exactly smiling about mister?We need to leave for the party.I dont want to be late."He fell back into the present,he didn't realise he had a silly grin plastered on his face,his wife was standing before him,arms akimbo,dressed for the evening..Oh yes,the party,now he remebered..Perks of being a upper middle class man now.."Yes madam,I am getting up..You look great"
"Thank you for the compliment,and now will his majesty please get up and get ready."
She still had that beauty that had attracted him...She knew everything about him,but never brought it up untill he himself started it..She understood him..She was like his pillar on whom he could lean..
He got ready for the party and they left for the venue.They had reached on time..He parked his vehicle and they alighted.The house was in an upmarket locality and the purchase was the reasonfor the party.The hosts were known to them-a by product result of their promotion to the upper echelons of society.Champagne flowed freely and so did gossip as tongues loosened.His wife found someof her friends.He still had to adjust to the upswing and preferred to be alone.He drifted around and found a quiet spot to lean against a tree.She was so happy,laughing freely,a hand kept casually on one of Her friend's arm.His thoughts slowly drifted into the darker regions.They did not hurt him so much nowadays,only a dull pain.He was thinking about an incident at the airport where a desk clerk had a profile and a hair style so much like her.His breath had caught for a moment and he had looked away,forcing himself to not look that way.
He glanced towards the gate and his world splintered like glass.It felt like a block of lead had slammed into his stomach.A screaming set off in his head and the ground seemed to come up to meet him.How could it be??After so many years?Why now?What twisted game were the gods playing?The air seemed to stifle him.
To be continued....

Part 3

He went about his daily tasks like an automaton.Attending classes,preparing for an exam,running errands for his mother.For him the world had dissolved into a shapeless mass of black and grey.He responded to questions like an answering machine.The simple act of having food became a torture to him,every morsel brought up memories of the lunches that he had shared with her,their absolutely pointless trips to the canteen which were just an excuse to stay in her company.The way he used to eat slowly so that he could join her for lunch when her classes got over,of how he used to adjust his lunch timings so that he would still be having lunch when she was free.Oh god!!hunger brought on a anguish that was both mental and physical..He started avoiding doing chores in the house because invariably they would involve walking through streets in which his monsters lurked ready to spring like memories that would bring stinging tears to his eyes..how much he loved calling her up to ask if she was free to do a bit of shopping.She did not even let him finish the question before saying yes.He knew he could shop on his own,but somehow in her company he added that extra vigour to his step,distances melted when she was with him.One day she had asked him if he wanted to go shopping with her.he had an exam coming up,but he knew he could manage and had readily said yes.The place was quite far away and she had asked if he minded the distance,to which he replied,"For you,the end of the world and the deepest of trenches."And he had meant it in earnest.At that time he was ready to face whatever the world threw at him.He was not a talkative person,but the silent,pensive listeners who preferred to let people do the talking,but he had these sporadic bursts of saying things when he was with her.He never had thought himself to be capable of such eloquence in his language.But somehow she loosened the tight knots that gripped his throat in the company of other girls.He poured out his heart,his deepest wishes to her.Trusted her.Believed in her.Loved her.He stopped going out with his friends.He had several of them,but none close enough to let out his anguish,his pathos.The few he had wondered what was wrong but heavens knows why they never approached him.Some did and then backed off.He started building this shell around him,an impenetrable wall of loneliness and brooding thoughts that ate him from within.His mind split into two-one cried for a solace,the other thrust more daggers into an already dead mind by bringing on memories that he half-heartedly tried to push away.Like a acid tongued devil it spoke words not of solace but brought forth her treachery.He was never close enough to his mother to go to her for counsel.She grew worried about his bouts of silence.She knew that he was a quiet child,had been since childhood.But not like this,not like a man possessed with a burden only he could feel.The vacant eyes seemed to be searching for something that was beyond her comprehension.She asked him what was wrong,but he pushed the matter under the rug,always citing one reason or the other-exams,assignments,bad health.There were times when his mind could break free of the self imposed moratorium and he would become aware of the things around him.The tears would flow then,freely and without inhibition.The eyes dried up but never the wounds.He started avoiding her,stopped talking to her,became brusque when asked a question.Avoided her gaze and took care to not be seen at spots he knew she frequented.He wanted to push her out of existence,to forget her.It was hard in the beginning.Everywhere he saw,he found her-her SMSes in his mobile,her favourite songs on his computer,even the trinkets he had chosen for her but would now never be gifted.All the material things could be ignored,but what of the indelible images that he had etched on his mind,the scent of her perfume,the sight of her early in the morning,the way she moved aside the stray strand of a hair.The flick of her neck when she wanted to move her hair on one side,her laugthter that seemed to mock him now in his dreams and even when he was awake.She was just about everywhere.You don't need to die to see hell,everybody has a private version of it and he was living it,breathing it,every damned minute of his life now.
To be continued......

Part 2

He was lost in his own thoughts,and happened to look up to a sound of pen repeatedly scratching on paper.The gods must have been smiling down upon Him or he was just plain lucky because there she was sitting on one of the stone benches,her hair cascading down her shoulders and a look of extreme indignation on her face as she balled up a piece of paper and tossed it down to join its fallen comrades.She looked up and saw him standing dead in his tracks.Sense told him to ignore her and move on,but the heart rarely if ever listens to the mind and before he knew it,he had raised his hands and waved to her.To his surprise she waved back and like a man enchanted he found himself walking towards her."Hi,did not recognize you the other day.Aren't you the guy who sits on the last bench?".He cringed within-what a way to know me..last bencher..."Yeah"he managed to say,"Do you want any help with that?Its looks like something that I can crack".He knew the solution the moment he had seen the problem.It was something he had been working on a few days back as a part of an assignment.He cracked it in no time and went on to help her with the rest of the assignment.Time flew for him when he was with her.Her mere presence was enough to transport him onto another plane.He liked it the way she smiled at his jokes,the light touch of her fingers when she wanted to tell him something,when she specifically sought him out in a crowd to tell Him of an incident or share a joke which only they could appreciate.And against all his better judgements he let himself be pulled along in his relationship with her.He sought her company whenever he could and went into a brooding silence when she was not free to spend time with him.She became the centre of his world and his expectations went up a notch when she invited him for her birthday party at her house.Thoughts started running through his head-does she like me?shall I tell her about my feelings?will she say yes?what if she refuses?.With these thoughts in his mind he dressed in his only pair of formals and started from his house.On the way he got her a elegent brooch that he had been saving up for to give her.He saw no other better occassion.With his head held high,a song on his lips and his heart fluttering like a butterfly he walked all the way to her house.The rows of gleaming cars outside her house and the tailored suits alighting from them made him freeze in his tracks and do a rethink on whether he wanted to go inside.Suddenly his departmental store formals made him feel underdressed.He had nearly turned around and walked back when he caught a glimpse of her through the window.How beautiful she looked on that evening dress,with her hair let loose and one hand poised elegantly in midair.Gathering up his courage he walked the gravel path and entered the house.The hall itself would have held two of his houses.He looked for her in the crowd and made his way towards her.Smiling like a kid who has the world's greatest gift in his hands he went up to her,"Many many happy returns of the day,you are looking very beautiful today".For an instant her smile faltered a bit as she took in his appearance,maybe he saw the change in her expression and regretted coming in.But the thought passed through him for a fleeting moment as his senses swam when she thanked him for the gift,as she shook his hand and held for one moment too long.She moved away and He did not notice it as she carelessly allowed it to slip through her hands and fall beneath the table.Maybe it was his fortune that he did not,if that had been the case his world would have shattered around him.Maybe it should have,it would have save him a lot of pain later on.But fate had decided to play its cruel hand and he slipped into a false sense of being loved by her.He tried to catch her eye troughout the evening but somehow she was always engaged in talking to somebody else.The evening was drawing to a close and he slowly made his way towards the door,not having had a single word with her.As he was crossing the portico,he overheard a couple of her friends talking in slightly raised voices that carried easily on the thin night air.What he heard made his legs turn to jelly.He stood rooted to the spot and strained his ears to hear more.The topic changed and he slowly made his way back to his house.He did not seem to remember the walk back,the near missed collissions with the vehicles or when he opened the door,flung himself on the bed and willed himself to sleep.Nightmares plagued his mind as the clock ticked by.The morning brought no respite and light to his dark mind that had suddenly gone blank with shards of pain thrusting into his consciousness.He was oblivious to physical pain,his mental anguish blinding him.He searched for an answer,but came up with memories that he tried to push down in vain.He knew he had taken the fall,had allowed himself to be led when he should have known better.It was summer outside but a cold blistery winter rushed through him now,wounds that bled of their own accord and a irrational wish that he was insensitive to human emotions occupied his thoughts.

The Last Bencher.

He was one of the back-benchers,not because He was not interested in what was going on but rather because He got a bird's eyeview of people from where was sitting.There she was on the first row of chairs,the sunlight catching the beautiful shade of her brown coloured hair..He liked the way the earrings in her ears scintillated in the soft sunlight.His hands invariably picked up the pencil and before He knew it He was sketching an indelible image of her,as much on the paper as on the untouchable canvas of His memory in colours that were known only to His imagination.The professor was going on about torques,tensors,vectors and what not..He could'nt wait for the class to end.He had decided-he would speak to her today,come hell or high water.But somehow every time he made up his mind and his courage,something or the other would happen that shot all his plans even before they took off.Like for example last week,she was standing right in front of him in the line at the canteen.he had just opened his mouth to utter a hello when his mobile rang,some officious upstart from an obscure bank wanted to ask him some inane questions and by the time he had ticked him off,she had made her purchase and moved to join her friends.Her friends..how much He envied the girls and was downright jealous of the guys..especially that two-faced,pretentious fellow who acted holier-than-thou in her presence,but he knew what he was really,what his true image was.How much it pained Him to watch her respond to his comments,his jokes,his "innocent" demeanour.Well it was true that he was rich,had a bike,was good looking and knew how to play people's emotions with his conduct.And that was what made him an adversary,a very dangerous one too...Because whether He liked it or not,he lacked all that,he was neither rich nor was he an Adonis,he could not manipulate people,but he had a good heart,a heart that sang true for people he cared for and would go the extra mile to help them...But the problem was,she did not know anything of this,her world and mind space was occupied by that devil with an angelic face and a mind to mismatch.The bell shattered his reverie and people started tob make a bee-line for the door.He got up hurriedly and stuffed everything pell-mell into his satchel and followed his classmates' example.He caught up with her just as she was reaching the first steps of the building.Thankfully she was alone,but there he was waiting at the gate leaning sauvely on the hood of his car..The monster within His bosom gave a mighty roar of indignation and bared its fangs..He had to move fast,he could not loose a single moment,his heart was racing as he closed the distance between Him and her.He was right behind her now."Excuse me",he said,"you dropped your pen back there".She looked back at him and took and blinked in the sunlight.She vaguely remembered his face but could not place it."Thanks",she said and was gone before he could say anything else. He watched with ever increasing rage as she practically ran to him and got into the car.He must have been lost in those thoughts for quite sometime and was brought out of his red haze by a piercing pain in his palm,and as he looked down he noticed the pencil in his hand which he had strongly enough to snap it into two.Gathering his senses,he moved away and slowly started walking towards the library.There was a Maths olympiad coming up and he wanted to do well in it.He shook his head as he walked to clear his thoughts and decided to get over his feelings for her,it was going nowhere and leading him into bouts of depression.He had enough on his plate already.He threw himself into the preparation and kept his mind occupied with a fierce dedication.It was a few days before the olympiad when it all started happening and looking back now he wished he had never went down that stone path.
To be continued.....

Saw a movie today-Tashan...d MOST pathetic movie dat i have seen come from mainstream bollywood....KK goes back to Chameli from Geet and dat too wid d mentality of a blonde and hair to match too....AK mishmashes english and hindi with english rules of grammar jostling hindi verbs....this combined along wid a cliche bihari accent,all this comes to d situation dat u dont understand one damn dialogue he speaks..dat combined wid his prehistoric on screen image..all in all-he is pathetic..d only glue holding d movie toghther is akshay kumar..he is amazing!! but den he is human...and his charm cant hold on for too long...the movie is stretched like a rubber band and is made to twang to d weirdest of ideas,so u have akshay,a goon from a small town dodging Black Cat commandos armed to d teeth and firing kalashnikov's...he manages to dodge ALL bullets,does free running and bounces on a pile of bamboo sticks to land on d second floor...the songs are terrible,however the locales are good....one last scene is so totally hilarious in d movie..180 minutes of pure torture..but hey,i think i might watch d movie again,cos thrash may it be,but it's amazingly laughable...ppl were actually leaving in d middle...rating- the sulphur pits of hell....

Mol onco exam tomorrow afternoon...hope all goes well....

D day before the day before...

It's two days before my mol onco exam and my tension jus went soaring thru d roof....D problem is dat d exam is turning out to a black box..we dont kno d ref. material...d slides r there and so r the papers but,its a moot point wot to concentrate on cos d papers are more of review articles dan ur normal research articles,and let me tell u, a review might be good for reading on other occassions but for an exam it's d ultimate nightmare especially if it runs into 13 pages of very fine print....my mouth has become a veritable war zone wid d tooth ache and an ulcer jostling for d post of Commanders-in-Chief to cause max pain....thankfully both are diameterically opposite to each other....have kept my eyes glued to d comp screen since morning wid no respite in sight...i wonder if d eyes belong to d comp or my anatomy....nothing much to say bout d day,wot wid me being totally consumed by d exam....on top of this,i have to review d paper,complete my lab report,do d stat assignment...on 22nd i shall be launching a full fledged attack on all these minor kingdoms dat threaten d peace of my mind-space.....
on a more serious note,ever wondered wot brings two ppl together...personalities?circumstances?situations?exactly wot?....some ppl live in d same group for quite sometime and end up alone in d crowd...while in other cases,two perfect strangers meet up on a train and end up travelling d journey of life together.....some diamonds are never found for d lack of ppl who apppreciate dem while some stones adorn d crown out of sheer dumb luck.....Like a hidden diamond,some ppl wait endlessly for dat special someone to discover dem..to polish dem and wear dem on their crowns.....as a friend of mine told me,wen a diamond hurts if u wear it on ur finger, den its place is on d crown dat adorns ur head...

Memory Lane

Took a walk down memory lane today..was reading in d libarary and my mind went idle for sometime..and before i realized anything,i was remininscing bout times gone by...The lane was strewn wid dead leaves,and i walked bending down occassionally to pick dem up..some were light with their care free happy memories..others were heavy with the sadness and pain dat comes with some memories....d joy of learning to ride a cycle,getting my first bike,meeting friends after ages,long chats where minds and hearts were opened to ppl who cud appreciate them,birthdays celebrated,presents gifted and received...the best so far has been the two days i spent in banglore during d IISc interviews...the sheer taste of the excitement is irreplaceable and so is d joy on my mother's face wen she saw d list..dark times,the will to survive thru dem..heartbreaks,decisions gone wrong in retrospect....everything was there for me to see...memories can be really weird...there are few dat can lift my heart up to kiss d heavens,but many dat pull me down into a quagmire...and only wen i need dem d least do they surface thru d mind....there are memories dat bring a smile on my face no matter when they are brought up,then there are others dat i wished i cud forget simply bcos they speak of a better time..wid ppl who were d centre of my world..wid whom i had imagined a bright future....fool i was at dat time wen i made dem my raison d'etre..never did i pause to think,was i d same for dem? time has given me my answer..maybe i deserved it for jumping headlong into things without thinking seriously about future which i shud have...but den,every mistake becomes visible in retrospect and not wen u are commiting it..... and inspite of seeing everything,i make my mistake again..like a moth to d fire drawn...i wish there was somebody to sweep the dead leaves off the lane completely..i wish d leaves wud never fall from d trees and stayed green forever....thunder clouds gather on d horizon,and i start looking around for cover from d deluge to come,wishing i had d will to never step into d lane...

Movies and anger management

Submitted the eviol biol term paper yesterday,however dats not d end of the story..We have to review a paper written by somebody else,cmment on it and return d review by tuesday...we get our reviewed manuscripts and turn in d finished manuscript by friday...before dat i need to complete d drug design assignment and d stats assignment...d lab reprt needs to be completed..jus a few minor things,but still its status is "pending"...this time next week i shall be free,hopefully...saw a movie yesterday-"U me and hum"...nothing great bout the movie,considering its a rip off from The Notebook which i have heard is very good...why cant these ppl think for themselves rather dan borrowing somebody else's idea and repackaging it to suit indian tastes..Grow up ppl!!..anyways d movie has some really cheesy and risque dialogues..u start searching for d exit door or repeatedly start looking into ur watch almost willing d hour hand to take on d disposition of its faster brother....but no...d movie and d hour hand seem to have entered into a wicked pact of trawling at a pace dan makes a snail seem faster...they cud have atleast changed d male lead...he is one of d best actors we have around.but dude,looks matter...his is not d face dat makes ladies go weak in their knees and jelly brained...ahem...all said and done,i seem to have bashed d movie more dan wot it deserved...it's not dat bad...considering it turned out to b Waterworks Inc. for d company dat came wid me..they really have a low thresh-hold...its not dat i am a cold hearted,icy individual,but frankly speaking, d movie did nothing to move me to tears....d few instances dat i have felt an icy hand grab my heart and chilled my marrow have been wen i was reading The Kiterunner..dats one book u MUST read...
somebody said,i dont remember who,dat dont tell ur children not to get angry,teach them how to get angry...quite true...there are so many situations,i am sure many of us have faced,wen d situation compels us to explode in a grand exhibition of rage...impotent rage,i must say.the simple reason being,wot do u achieve by throwing ur tantrum?..if i be allowed to answer,i wud say nothing other dan wasting ur energy yelling...the ppl whom u r yelling at might not even give a damn bout it..they shall listen wid one ear and chuck it by d other and u turn out to be a spectacle for bystanders...forget about ppl who dont care bout d fact dat they have hurt u..they dont even matter..consider d consequences for those who care..wot if ur tantrums and short fuse end up in creating a distance between urself and them...the only thing a short temper or a tendency to not channelise ur rage does is alienate u from others by making dem walk a tight rope wen they deal wid u.....they will care for u but will always b wary of ur anger...its also important,i feel to sieve out the ppl dat shall make u angry wid full knowledge of wot they are doing,jus to see u blow urself and others to smithereens wid ur rage and d ones dat unintentionally step on ur toes...so as i said,its not about not getting angry,its about HOW to get angry....

A few days back i was having a brainstorming session wid one of my friends who happens to be an atheist...d discussion centered on how do i define d concept of god,or rather what was god to me on a personal basis..was it someone who was mythical or someone who existed in flesh and blood..did my god have divine powers or was s/he a mortal whom we cud den call a role model rather dan a god...well,lets make one point very clear over here-why do we need to define god to be someone to have divine powers,as someone who can move mountains and walk on water..cant s/he be someone who is a mortal but has powers to calm u wen ur mind is in a turmoil.by powers i do not mean supernatural powers..the mere ability to be there in some form or another that calms u down...u need not have even seen him/her personally,but jus remebering him/her in ur time of crisis or tension makes u feel better..den he asked dat way u can visualise anybody..true i said,but den i asked him,wen soldiers plunge into a battle,all of dem utter a war cry..now wot they say is very specific and it's something all of dem associate with and dat gives dem d strength to face whoever is on the other side...same is d case wid me,my prayer to my god is something i do to instill dat psychological upswing in me....its quite strange if we consider all d times wen we turn to god..most of dem are times of crisis...but i must make it very clear dat dat god is not going to solve ur problems for u....if u r in trouble it falls on u to get out of it urself...den d question arises-if i kno dat god does not sit around trouble-shooting for me,do i accept d fact dat there is no such entity as god? yes,i said,agreed god is not my problem-solver,bcos i never expected him to...if i started shoving my problems on god,of wot use is my intelligence,my existence as a carbon-based,ape descended bipedal life form dat has been privileged to have a brain dat can think?i said a brain dat u CAN use to think and not u can ORDER to think..d brain is gven to u not d protocol to use.u need to develop it urself..anyways,let not digress from d issue....so,coming backfor me "god"or wotever u wish to call it now,is a safety cabinet into which i throw my innermost thoughts,speculations and feelings...den is god akin to an imaginary friend for me?umm....i conceeded dat point to him...does it make me appear as a weirdo i asked him...not at all,he said..all of us have imaginary friend..its upto us to decide wot kind of attributes we give dem...d discussion stretched well into d night,but let me tell u dat it was one of d best discussions i have ever had wid anyone..and it was made all d more enjoyable thanks to d person on the other side...for one he is a very good speaker and another is his knowledge regarding the formalities needed to b followed during an arguement..anyways, i need to get back to my term paper..need to submit it at ten in d morning...ciao...

Decisions..and some new threads

Made a major decision regarding my career...joined d wet lab..will have to go and tell in d dry lab tomorrow dat i will not b able to join their lab..i wonder wots d toughest part-saying no to d dry lab or taking d decision not to join it..anyways,chapter closed..attended my first lab meet..was a nice experience..d lab mates are good,and are extremely good at ttheir science..dats a opinion dat mat be forming too quickly,but all seemed to be aware of their work from they way dey spoke about it..d major credit goes to d P.I. of course who as he says it himself is a hard task-master..it reflects in d proficiency of his ppl.
anyways...yesterday i was chatting wid one of my friends online wen she pointed out d way SMS english had pervaded into d way we write..'the' becomes 'd','before' becomes 'b4'..and so on and so forth..sad..or is it?..for ppl who SMS regularly,it becomes more of a reflex to use these abbreviations (by d way,why is abbreviation such a long word?)..its quite obvious why...wen you are typing out a msg on ur mobile,u need to b fast and d only means of achieving it is to cut short d "useless" stuff from words.. i mean, ppl and people,both convey d same meaning,but its much easier to write ppl dan people...personal experience..which brings me to this question-can we afford to let these kind of spellings to invade d written word..d idea is conveyed is it not,whether u write u or you,ur or your...for d subject specific jargon u really cant do anything,or rather nothing shud be attempted..also,while using abbrv. do we keep d flow of ideas smooth? will it get hindered if we started using full forms..strangely this phenomenon semms to have pervaded only where u need to TYPE and not WRITE...i hope so...

The toothache is getting worse and there's no chance of it letting up...took a pain killer and dozed off again..missed a meeting with my advisor...dats not a problem,since wot i wanted to meet her about would not have been over in half an hour..so met her after class...discussed which option should i pick.. a dry lab or a wet lab...after a chat wid her and a chance meeting wid another prof,i am more inclined towards a wet lab....that way i dont sacrifice my wet lab skills,i can always enter into a dry lab later on...but d reverse is not possible...however d dry lab proj is jus as interseting...but perhaps i am blinded by its glamourous name...i will need to do a lot of intensive studdying if i go to her lab...dats not a prob really,but den there's d issue of sacrificing experience from a hardcore mol bio lab as against a lab wid a very narrow agenda....anyways...preparing for d mol onco exam and for d term paper...freedom on d 22nd!!
came to a decision yesterday...sort of an epiphany u can say...its amazing d amount of time ppl spend in pursuits without thinking whether it's going to pay dem dividends in d end.jus bcos it makes dem happy,they pursue it..they do kno its not going to meet wid a crushing defeat later,but they never ask themselves-will i b ready to face defeat wen it comes knocking on my doorstep..will i embrace it as a part of life or like an ostrich put my head in d sand..sometimes it's better to take stock of things wen it's still not too late rather dan trying to dam a raging river...den u can either make a herculean effort to dam it or allow urself to be pulled by its flow..either way,u wish u had stopped it wen it was not too late...
the human mind is really a weird contraption..it makes one believe in a false hope,making u feel dat it's not a mirage but really an oasis in a desert..how better it wud be if our minds were evolvd to a degree where we could dissociate our feelings wid our thought processed...not to get biased in our decisions by emotions...

Decisions...

i dont kno how many ppl have had to face this situation in their lives wen circumstances have demanded them to make really tough decisions..academic and otherwise...the decision they make might not seem right to others,but to d ones making it,it seems the only solution to a problem..they kno its going to cost dem a lot in terms wot they hold dear..but den a compromise needs to be made...wots dear to dem might not be as important as wot brings peace of mind to dem..some things need to be foregone in order to retain some....

Monday morning blues and den some more....

well monday is neither exactly d most exactly exciting day of d week nor is it d most productive day...got a head splitting toothache in d middle of d night and fervently wished dat d tooth fairies existed..since they dont,had to make do wid a knock out dose of combiflam...wen d drug induced haze cleared it was already ten and d sun god had whipped his chariot almost half way across d blue banglorean sky...thankfully d taps in d hostel still had running water..at ten in d morn its a major miracle in my hostel..thot of declaring myself a saint...well sainthood or not,d day had to be faced wid a benign expression on my face and max cool in my head considering wot lay ahead...now,two weeks back i was looking for a lab to begin my PhD...met as much success as a one armed man trying to climb outta ditch wid a tooth-pick....and wot happens today?d man climbed out!!! two of d most good labs said yes...now i need to make a decision..both d times i was confused...but i prefer this confusion....got a few other surprises too...no,i aint telling anybody....private u c.......oh!come on now!!! this is not a confessional......today's day ended a two week saga of suspense...in some way atleast...anyways,now i can concentrate on my academics..had a long chat wid a friend yesterday regarding our take on a particuler issue...well wot she said was rite,but den....oh well....why do women have to say d rite d thing????not always of course....

HOWDY PPL!!

well it's my first day on d job and Aloha to everybody who's anybody on d cyberplane..most of d time u shall find my reflections on d day and wot new i have learned....